Dark Suckers!

A Light In The Dark

Bell Labs Prove Existence of Dark Suckers
(Reprinted from the Bell Labs Newsletter)

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven
otherwise. Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus
they are now called dark suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory,
according to a Bell Labs spokesman, proves the existence of
dark, that dark has a mass heavier than that of light, and that
dark travels faster than light.

The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you
are. There is less dark in the immediate area of the dark suckers
than there is elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker,
the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As
with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full
of dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot
on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new
candle has a white wick. You will notice that, after the first use,
the wick turns black representing all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an
operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way
of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
range. There are, fortunately, portable dark suckers. The bulbs in
these cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and require the
use of additional dark storage units. When the dark storage unit,
referred to by some as a battery, is full it must either be emptied
or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
dark sucker. Candles present a special hazard because the dark
must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This
generates a large quantity of heat, which makes it inadvisable to
touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper
you notice that it slowly gets darker and darker. When you reach
a depth of aproximately 80 meters, you are in total darkness.
This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the water
and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark
can be utilized to humankind's advantage. Dark which has settled
to the bottoms of lakes can be pushed through turbines to
generate electricity. In this way dark can be forced into the
oceans where it can be safely stored.

Prior to the invention of the turbine it was much more difficult to
get dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians
recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a
canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, Indians
paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When they
traveled against the flow of dark they paddled quickly to help
push the dark along its way.

Finally, it becomes clear that dark is faster than light. If you stand
in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet you notice
that, as you slowly open the closet door, light slowly enters the
closet. However the dark moves so quickly that you are not able
to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, scientists from the Bell Labs have noted that dark
suckers make our lives easier and more enjoyable. So the next
time you look at an electric bulb remember that its function is
actually that of a dark sucker.